Back in 1973, when I was 13, I opened the door to my bedroom to find a small, flower-covered box discreetly labeled with an unfamiliar word—KOTEX. Curious, I quickly opened it to discover several mysterious objects and a mini-pamphlet complete with frightening diagrams and instructions for how to use the enclosed products. There was no follow up conversation with mom. No explanation for how—or why—this box magically appeared on my dresser. And mine was not an isolated experience.
Forty years later, the First Moon ad appears on television and the internet, advertising the same products, but with slightly edgier marketing. In case you missed it, a young teen fakes her period and lies to her mom. Her infuriated mother attempts to get even by hosting an impromptu First Moon party complete with bobbing for ovaries (made one hundred times worse by the fact that it’s her grandfather who emerges from underwater with an ovary in his mouth), pin the pad on the period, talk of a vagina cake, and a uterus piñata. We’ve come a long way baby. Or have we?
Despite the fact that American culture has been mostly mute on this topic, to this day, various tribes and people groups bestow honor and blessings upon girls as they experience their first menses. The flow of blood symbolizes her transition to womanhood and all of the possibilities—and trials—that come along with this rite of passage. According to Dr. Christine Northrup,
“Many Navaho people still practice their puberty ritual for girls, the kinaalda. This is considered to be the most important of all their rituals because it brings new life to the tribe. In the month after a girl gets her first period, her entire extended family gathers together for a ceremony that takes place over four days. During this time the girl wears a traditional buckskin dress and her hair is braided in a special way. Each morning she gets up at sunrise and runs toward the rising sun. She is expected to run farther and faster each day. When she returns, an older female relative, taking the role of Ideal Woman, teaches her the Beauty Way, massages her body, and also instructs her in tribal wisdom about male-female relationships. Throughout the ceremony, the girl is expected to take on a new level of responsibility for herself and others.”
Our individualistic—and misogynistic—culture’s response to this key event pales in comparison. This week, I posted a survey on FaceBook titled Coming of Age in America. Only seven percent of the respondents were celebrated by one or both of their parents. A similar percentage received comprehensive information from an emotionally connected parent or relative. For most of us, the experience was a detached, clinical transfer of facts that left us confused, ashamed, frightened, grossed out, and/or embarrassed.
The meta message we all got was that having our period made us less than and therefore, needed to be concealed from others. This opposes God’s heart for us as women. One respondent summed it up when she wrote, “This kind of thing was simply not discussed in our house.” Because most of us lacked ongoing dialogue, we furtively asked questions in hushed voices at sleepovers or while we disrobed in the locker room. We gleaned whatever information we could from poorly done movies or awkward health class teachers.
And we often got it wrong. I remember my best friend calling me in tears—as a high school junior—when she realized that babies grew not in the stomach but in a mysterious organ called a uterus. One survey respondent admitted that because she feared using a tampon, she placed a sanitary napkin on her bathing suit and proceeded to go to swim practice. When she emerged from the pool, she was mortified at the bulging, dripping mass between her legs. Another thought the adhesive pads were to be used like a band-aid and stuck it to her genitals. Just imagine what that felt like to remove!
Young girls approaching this milestone need much more than a transfer of information. They need support, they need respect, and they need to understand how wonderful their bodies actually are. One woman wrote, “I think the biggest thing I hope to communicate to my daughter regarding her body is how miraculously we were created; the fact that we can create life, bring it forth into this world, and then sustain it for months and months is nothing short of a super power. I never want our capacity for that to be shortchanged.”
The First Moon ad certainly falls short of this goal. It takes what should be treated with great care and reduces it to a mockery. The disrespectful teen and spiteful mother (as well as clueless males) degrade and cheapen us as women. What the ad succeeds in doing—beside bringing this issue out of hiding—is to reveal the failure of our culture, including our churches, to navigate this topic in a dignified fashion.
The ad serves as a wake-up call for us as adults to accurately communicate what’s going on in a young girl’s body but to also help them recognize how amazing their bodies actually are. Years ago, one of our friends recounted his daughter’s coming of age story. She threw open the front door, dropped her books, and asked her father, “Where’s mom?” He knew something was troubling her so he asked, “What’s wrong?” She replied, “I got my period.” With that, he flung his arms around her and said, “Honey, go get changed. I’m taking you out to celebrate. You are a woman now and I want you to know how special you are to me.” When our friend told this story, I burst into tears. How I longed to have such a father! Many years later, I know that my heavenly Father felt that love, pride, and joy when I got my first period. Let’s figure out—as a culture and as a church—how we can celebrate our daughters’ first menses with dignity.
Thanks for reading.
My parents celebrated me in many ways, the milestones tended to be birthdays but successes were celebrated, too. While I could be open and frank with either parent, when menstruation became a reality rather than just one of those things one was learning about, it moved over into a “girl stuff” category where privacy was expected and given. But it was also taken in stride and not “played up.” The concept of caring for oneself as the temple of the Holy Spirit permeated many aspects of self-concept and behaviour in their teaching. If any kind of difficulty had arisen, I could have gone to either parent. I knew I was very fortunate because several of my friends got their sex education from me. Your survey results are very interesting, Dorothy. I wonder if the film-makers did prior research on potential audience reactions or if they didn’t care? I guess the thing that bothered me most about First Moon was the complete absence of the sacred, lovely, special, or dignified. Not only did my parents give me that, but perhaps because they did, so have others, including my beloved husband.
Laurna, I feel a bit jealous that your parents guided you through in a bit more involved fashion than mine did! The question about whether or not the company that made the First Moon ad did their research is a great one. I do think it seems to finds its mark with the under 35 crowd but less so for those of us over 40. And I totally agree that what most bothered me was the lack of sacred and absence of dignity.
YUCK – that commercial is so yuck on so many levels it’s hard to begin. Glad you addressed it.
On a tangentially-related topic, having seen “The Vagina Monologues” live at Yale about 8 years ago, the shock of hearing the word “vagina” aloud has faded. Even with its shock value, the VM attempted to educate and garner more respect for women in general, and also to un-mute this topic in our culture. What may have saddened me more in this commercial is the relationship between the mom and daughter, not to mention the brassiness of the daughter. But the mom’s duplicitous behavior shows us it seems the daughter has learned by example. The daughter lied to the mom. The mom lied to the daughter (implicitly). Which came first: the chicken or the egg?
It falls into the same category of media profiles that drive my husband crazy: the husband being portrayed as a complete moron, a dufus the family merely abides with thin patience.
None of the above schtick profiles support respectful, honoring, or honest relationships among family members, of which our culture is desperately in need. To me, that’s an equally sad commentary.
Natalie, I have not seen the VM. I think I was afraid the entire play would be of the same ilk as this ad, and I’d have to pay $50 to sit through it. Thanks for commenting.
I loved the Cosby Show. I learned a lot about parenting from Bill Cosby’s wisdom and wit. One episode has stuck with me and it was the one where Rudy gets her period. Brilliant, honoring of womanhood and the unique role women play as mothers. If you get a chance, enjoy…
http://www.avclub.com/article/ithe-cosby-showithe-infantry-has-landed-and-theyve-81897
The Cosby Show: the infantry has landed
This is so funny. Thanks for the link.
I don’t know if I felt shamed so much as disgusted! Not one person in the ad was being respectful or helpful. And if I had been the girl I would have been mortified beyond ever appearing in public again! That hyperbole is clearly the point of the ad, and certainly got my attention. But it made me want to run the other direction and never even consider using products made by that company!
Thinking back to how I handled telling/explaining menstruation to my daughter – I never thought to marvel with her about the gift we have of being women – being able to hold and carry life within us. But open communication was definitely on the top of my list. So I guess I got that part right! 😉
The first time I watched the TV series “The Office” – I was horrified. I could not get over the deep inappropriateness of Steve Carell’s character: he said ridiculous, offensive things, and I squirmed in my seat imagining how trapped and infuriating it would be to work with someone like that. To have a boss like that would NOT be funny.
Some years later, I watched it again – and found it hilarious. We watched all the seasons back to back, and enjoyed them all. The change that happened in me, though, was seeing the sitcom as a different genre: it was a mockumentary, and there was NO WAY I would ever be working in a situation with a boss like that. It was purposefully over the top, and the humor lay in that. The office is a study in How Not To Do It in management.
The First Moon ad reminds me of the office – at first blush, it could be offensive because imagining oneself with that REALLY happening, with a mother that really did those things – is mortifying. But I think the ad is a mockumentary too: purposefully over the top to be funny and also to sell a product which is designed to better prepare moms and daughters for the big event. If anything, the first moon party is a study in How Not To Do It.
It’s a fine line – and comedy is a highly subjective thing, but as a woman and a mom of girls I didn’t feel shamed by the ad. I felt, as I did with the Office, gawkishly entertained – so glad it was NOT ME in that situation.
Your words do give me much to think about as a mom of girls though: when the time comes, I knew we would take the full-information, no-shaming route, but I hadn’t thought about the honoring/celebrating aspect of it. That is definitely something I’d like to consider and will be talking over with my husband. I am 100% sure we will not throw a first moon party, but I’d like to make it significant and supportive too.
Thanks for your thoughts, Dorothy.
Thanks for weighing in Bronwyn. It is very curious to me how differently those of us over 40 experience this ad. Perhaps for any of us, there was so little communication and so much shame that this re-gouged the wound. I’d be curious to learn if your parents created an ongoing dialogue with you.
I too felt disturbed and even horrified by the mother’s insensitivity and total inappropriateness, but at the same time, thought the product they were endorsing at the end to be something that might be helpful. Mocking, shock humor is definitely a part of our culture (thanks to The Office perhaps), and kind of breaks my heart, but to a younger generation, might be a message that makes sense.