When was the last time you and your friends engaged in an honest conversation about the purposeof sex? In my experience, such conversations seldom happen. When we do go there, it seems we limit the purpose of sex to procreation and pleasure. And this leaves out two significant components of martial intimacy: bonding and healing. By understanding the role of bonding and healing in sex, our intimate lives take on another dimension.
In the earlier years of our marriage, my husband was subject to occasional shame attacks. Triggered by a professional or parenting blunder, he would succumb to believing the worst about himself and then magnify his faults. During one such attack, he resisted all of my attempts to comfort and encourage him. As I took my frustration to God in prayer, I sensed the Holy Spirit encouraging me to invite my husband to be intimate. My first response? No! Let me explain.
Our intimate life has always been easy and fulfilling. It’s helped us to connect and provided great pleasure. However, from day one, we promised each other that we would never fake anything and always be emotionally present to each other. That meant I would need to let go of my frustration and be completely vulnerable with him. Because I trusted God to give me what I needed, I expressed my desire to make love that night. My husband was taken aback, knowing full well how difficult he had been in the preceding days.
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